Still, I wait

6 days later, I still wait. I wait for the biopsy results. I wait for the genetic test results. And husband reminds me that no one ever called from the genetic testing lab to ask permission to charge us, as is the billing procedure. So now we think it never got there. Do I call? No. Because while 95% of me wants to know all the answers, 5% of me doesn’t want to have to deal with the answers and consequential actions needed to move forward.

But waiting has allowed me to decide that I don’t think I want to have a device in my body at all. Who am I trying to please? If I get rid of my boobs all together, I will feel guilty. To whom? A husband who has enjoyed them? Me, for looking like a female ought to look? Practically I don’t need them, but will my kids not understand why they are taken if I’m not actually sick. Will they get made fun of because mom looks different in the locker room? Will I be ok with having every interaction they have be a teaching moment?

Waiting causes such anxiety. The quiet times are so quiet. Thank goodness there are so few.

May 1, 2019. Results arrived via Heidi, my contact on the surgical team. Genetic results are that I do not have the markers for cancer, though there was a variance, which I was told not to worry about. The biopsy came back negative for DCIS. They are just calcifications surrounded by tissue that is altered due to hormones. In one area biopsied near the already diagnosed DCIS area there are some atypical cells. Options given to me were to have it biopsied, though there is no guarantee that they would be able to know if the cells were anything other than “atypical”, or to take those cells out during the lumpectomy.

There are so many emotions. I feel relieved. I feel ecstatic and excited (this is the wrong word, though I’ve been using it all day). Maybe it comes from wanting to move on and just be done.

Three more doctors’ appointments scheduled: pre op; surgery; post op.