Breaking Down the Days...

May 5- This was the first day that I thought to myself: “I can do this and its going to be ok!” Yes, I am still scared but it was the first time in months that I could breathe through my fear and think about how I can face every setback with positivity. I will be back to packing my kids regular lunches, but in the meantime, lunchables will do. I will be back at the gym soon enough pushing myself hard, but in the meantime, I will do what I can (and nothing more) to stay physically fit and strong.

May 6 – A schedule coordinator (what is this even, how is this a thing, its like having a person to schedule meetings about meetings) called to schedule a call where nurses can give me details about pre-surgery instructions and discuss anesthesia. Topics will include what times I need to fast, what soap to use, what prescription medicines I am taking. And while it seemed like just a few hours earlier, I felt like things were under control, I am again overwhelmed. With just the addition of another appointment (even though it’s a phone call), I felt like I had too much on my plate.

May 7 – I finally told my son’s lead preschool teacher. I didn’t keep some people in the dark on purpose, but it was unconsciously conscious who I chose to drag with me on this journey and who got to see the façade. Until I had a plan and a schedule, I didn’t want to let his teachers know. They didn’t need to be on the emotional rollercoaster, constantly wondering what the next test result was, or what the next step was. They are with my son most days and I wanted him to have a routine, uninterrupted by the drama that his mom was hiding so well from him. But they had to know because they are his pillars of support outside of the nuclear family and our family friends. Those teachers will be ready and able to handle him with care if he acts out due to sadness, fear, or just because of change. We’ve known those teachers since my older daughter went there and they are more like family. I know that if he needs a bit of extra love, they will be right there. I trust that and have faith in that.

May 10- My scheduled phone appointment call time was right on time. 10:30am sharp. Phone rang. Amanda the nurse asked me what medicines I was taking, if I had heart health issues, and gave me general instructions that I couldn’t eat 8 hours before my scheduled surgery. That is it. It was underwhelming. She asked if I had any questions and what questions I had, she said to ask on my Monday pre-operation appointment with my surgeon.

I had to painstakingly put video games on for my son so he wouldn’t interrupt the call. If you knew how complicated it was to put a video game on with the system my husband has set up (think three remotes and then two controllers, plus a stereo remote if you actually want to hear the video game), you would know how annoyed I was for this 5 minute phone call.