B-Day

Prep night before by showering with special soap that smells like hospital. (This should be a new essential oil aroma that triggers anxiety). The admit nurse said I wouldn’t sleep the night before surgery anyway so don’t worry about that. I had to stay up to watch the GOT finale so I was showering around 11 pm and needed to get up at 5 am so I could shower again with the same hospital grade soap.

I wrestled with writing my kids a note so they could wake up and remember that I wasn’t there in the morning. Frankly their lives center around me being available to them at all times, so my main concern was that they would he completely out of whack by my absence. Every time I went to compose a letter I got misty eyed and decided instead to leave a post it note for each of them saying that grandma was in charge of getting them to school and that I would see them definitely by dinner.

I woke up before my alarm on B-Day (Boob-Day.... let’s get that cancer out!). Showered, holding back the urge to gag on the smell of that soap. Got dressed and stood in the hallway impatiently patiently waiting for my husband to make coffee (he needed to be awake to help make sure everything was accurate) and get in the car. “Yes, I’m alright” was the only answer I had to whether or not I was OK when he asked.

I texted two friends to make sure that if anything happened to me that they would not let my kids forget me. To remind them that I loved them fiercely.

Checking in was easy. Everyone so nice. We waited maybe 8 (very long) minutes before I was called back for surgery prep. A nurse named Gladys gave me instructions and set up my IV. Since that was my maternal grandmothers name I felt immediately at ease and wondered if this was some kind of message that everything was going to be alright. While I’m not a religious person, the spiritual side of me has developed a bit while on this journey and I feel like I was looking for a both of a positive message. I was instructed to wipe down my entire body with sticky antiseptic wipes. Then put the dressing gown on. First stop was back in imaging so my radiologist was going to put wire brackets around the area that needed to be removed. The same nurse came to pick me up in a wheelchair and wheeled me out to imaging, which was the same room as both my needle biopsies and all my mammograms. Once again the high tech methods impressed me. While they had my breast squished they were able to locate on the image four spots that needed to come out and inserted small catheter type tubes to insert wires and surround the entire area. This, when my surgeon cut me open, she could more accurately remove the bad spots and (hopefully) get clearer margins. I could tell by the discussions between the technician and radiologist that they were perfectionists. I was completely at ease.

When the technician was wheeling me back to the surgery prep room, I saw my surgeon and radiologist with their heads together, hunched over looking at the image and discussing. The technician said that had a great rapport and I could tell. I have an amazing team.

I settled in for possibly thirty seconds before my surgeon came in to speak to me and said that she was all set and to be expecting the anesthesiologist, who arrived maybe two minutes later. After asking some basic questions about whether I’d ever had a bad reaction to anesthesia, she wheeled me away to the surgery room. Rather than counting backward she wanted me to think about something positive and beautiful. She said that some people remember the things they dream about when they are under.

I came up with one of my most positive and proud and beautiful moments. It was from when, in 1996, I climbed up a glacier in the Brooks Range in Alaska with National Outdoor Leadership School. We roped up to each other but didn’t have crampons on our boots, so we had to be careful. There was so much trust and courage. And it was so clear. The ice was so blue.

It ended up that I dreamed about making my own dark chocolate ice cream and sitting in the backyard watching my kids. Whatever that’s about.

I only remember this because I (apparently) sent a video to a friend and explained it in detail while still high on drugs.

sooooo high

I am home. Taking only Tylenol. Trying to rest but I really don’t feel like it. It is taking most of my energy to argue with people about how I don’t need to rest. Yes, I am sitting down!